i left something for you

i left something for you, back there, all those years ago. without even really thinking about. call it an unintentional, anachronistic gift. i didn't know you, but i knew it was for you.

i cut it out of myself. it did not hurt, and i do not miss it; i know that it belongs with you. if you find it where i left it all those years ago, i hope you recognize it for what it is; i hope you want it, even need it. i imagine you cherishing it. that makes me feel good.

i left something for you, and it is eternal. it will not wither and die. you cannot destroy it. it will never cease to exist, even when i cease to exist. that is the beauty of it; that is the beauty of you.



when we were still
still on the move
young kids in love
with nothing to lose

in the woods
you said you would
behind his back
behind your father's farm

sitting still
it still stings
below the canopy
waiting in the wings

that's when you spilled
your guts to me
no use crying
over precious things

let's go out west
off the edge of the earth
where the cowboys roam
always searching

let's go somewhere underground
below the [ ] where we will never be found
let's get lost off the beaten path
and enjoy our youth; listen to your laugh

i need to grieve
to know the truth
i want to leave
something behind for you

when we were still
still on the move
young kids in love
with nothing to lose

in the woods
you said you would
behind his back
behind your father's farm

sitting still
it still stings
below the canopy
waiting in the wings

that's when you spilled
your guts to me
no use crying
over precious things

i need to grieve
to know the truth
i want to leave
something behind for you

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bad consequences

bad consequences. the product of our actions. it does not matter if our intentions were good... save that it's all the more disappointing when everything inevitably comes crashing down. yet still we remain hopelessly and foolishly optimistic, deluding ourselves into thinking that it couldn't possibly be our fault, simply because we acted out of goodwill.

i tried to change. it didn't change the outcome of anything. all it did was change how i felt about myself. and not in a good way. i used to spend all my time angry and resentful. it didn't make life miserable, but nor did it make it grand. when i decided to be more cheerful and make a conscious decision to judge less, accept more, and take responsibility for myself... well, nothing much changed. it didn't make life miserable, but nor did it make it grand. i suppose there's something i'm missing.

for what it's worth, i'm trying to document how i feel in the here and now. it will be a time capsule for my journey.

this is a disclaimer. my whole friggin' life is a disclaimer. there is no literal, correct translation for the story i am showing and telling. nor is it a particular metaphor or allegory or anecdote. it is not all autobiographical. it is not even particularly true. it's just an option: one of many.



i walked into the desert to find myself
i left you all behind for the good of my health
i went in search of a deeper meaning
i returned empty-handed and void of feelings

loneliness does something irrevocable
it burns you down in the fire and crucible
apparently i’m not the island i thought i was
but i forgot most of what you taught me ‘cause

i feel no guilt when there are no consequences
you can’t keep me chained up to these iron fences
but i’m a prisoner nonetheless, of my own devices
and i foresee no way to avert this crisis

our angry words, they came to blows
if things had been different, well, who knows?
maybe we wouldn’t be stuck in this rut
i’d have ended it long ago if i had the guts
but i haven’t got the guts...

life is nothing but bad consequences
you make the move, you take your chances
life is nothing but physical senses
you will be judged for all your actions

i walked into the desert to try to heal my pain
i had everything to lose and nothing to gain
i was on the ultimate quest for self-annihilation
and i almost succeeded on my permanent vacation

what are the consequences of ignoring the call?
loneliness will be the death of us all
one day the machines will all break down
and there’ll be nothing but memories of this shit town
what will you do then?

life is nothing but bad consequences
you make the move, you take your chances
life is nothing but physical senses
you will be judged for all your actions


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prologue

the story is about to begin. the scene has been set. our hero is a boy who has run away. he has spent all his short life running, trying to escape, though he knows not from what. he believes himself an orphan, too different from anyone else to be family, to be human. his thought pattern is linear and single-minded. he is relcacitrant, diffident, and selfish. he lashes out at everything, blaming everyone but himself for his woes.

this is his humbling. we will begin soon...

the lines are frozen

i'm creating a moment in time. this is a precursor; a preamble... a primer. after this preface, there will be a succession. it will be a logical succession, based on a pre-established and mutually agreed-upon common lexicon.

the pattern will be easy to interpret early on. it will be episodic, linear, and didactic. a story will unfold.

hopefully, we will interact over the course of this series, and it will be mutually beneficial.

already, the first four episodes are nearly complete. there will be many more to follow. i dub this series horizontals. enjoy.