i left something for you

i left something for you, back there, all those years ago. without even really thinking about. call it an unintentional, anachronistic gift. i didn't know you, but i knew it was for you.

i cut it out of myself. it did not hurt, and i do not miss it; i know that it belongs with you. if you find it where i left it all those years ago, i hope you recognize it for what it is; i hope you want it, even need it. i imagine you cherishing it. that makes me feel good.

i left something for you, and it is eternal. it will not wither and die. you cannot destroy it. it will never cease to exist, even when i cease to exist. that is the beauty of it; that is the beauty of you.



when we were still
still on the move
young kids in love
with nothing to lose

in the woods
you said you would
behind his back
behind your father's farm

sitting still
it still stings
below the canopy
waiting in the wings

that's when you spilled
your guts to me
no use crying
over precious things

let's go out west
off the edge of the earth
where the cowboys roam
always searching

let's go somewhere underground
below the [ ] where we will never be found
let's get lost off the beaten path
and enjoy our youth; listen to your laugh

i need to grieve
to know the truth
i want to leave
something behind for you

when we were still
still on the move
young kids in love
with nothing to lose

in the woods
you said you would
behind his back
behind your father's farm

sitting still
it still stings
below the canopy
waiting in the wings

that's when you spilled
your guts to me
no use crying
over precious things

i need to grieve
to know the truth
i want to leave
something behind for you

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gods in the city

gods in the city; there are none. i can promise you that. there is no belief. i purged it. this city was an empty shell, and i filled it with logic and rational thought. relief. you may think that there is something you believe in, but your belief does not make it exist. existence is a tangible, physical thing. existence is sentience and knowledge... and also pain and fear. but also joy and lust; physical pleasure. none of these things are gods. they are just you and me, and all the other living creatures in the universe. gods are something your ancestors made up.



there are no gods in the city
there are no gods in the farms
it wasn’t destiny or synchronicity
when you wound up in my arms

there are no gods in the city
when the lights go out
i can still feel you sitting next to me
when you’re slipping out

a lot of time i spent in self pity
three decades in this quiet town
with the asphalt black and dirty
and the river where god was drowned

ten years ago under these streets
the steel girders wouldn’t support the weight of our lust
there are no gods in the rivers at our feet
and the city will eventually turn to dust

people will say it wasn’t always this way
there was a time when the towers weren’t so tall
people will complain that everything’s changing
people will complain about nothing at all

there are no gods in the city
there are no gods in the farms
it wasn’t destiny or synchronicity
when you wound up in my arms

there are no gods in the city
when the lights finally fade
i can still feel you sitting next to me
when you’re slipping
when you’re slipping away...

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dirty walls

dirty walls surround me. plastered with grime and dust, motes and cobwebs. i've hidden all the dirt with memories; pictures on the walls, pictures of our times together... the hallways are adorned with framed flashbacks.

the room is full of shelves and desks. i am surrounded by equipment, slowly collecting specks of my dried, discarded flesh. so many buttons and knobs; i don't know what to do with them all.

the early morning sun streams in the window, and the dust does a dance, swaying in time to the heartbeat of my grimey little speakers.

this is where it all begins. i take all the feelings i have about you, and cut them up into little pieces of tone and concept. i craft a story from our dreams. it's dirty, but it's real.




i wiped it all clean and started again
whole new outlook, whole new trend
choking back the bitter aches
of love’s labour lost and past mistakes

i spent the morning in solitude
and you’d be here if you only knew
i can’t stand these empty halls
and it’s not that; it’s these dirty walls

you say i always complain
you don’t want to feel my pain
but I gave it away a while back
i didn’t need it anyway

the loneliness is a front
just a heartbroken stunt
and i’m not gonna let you go
this time...

i spent the better part of my years
picking up my falling tears
cleaning these dirty walls
leaving nothing behind

i wanted to give you everything
somehow, i lost hold of the dream
we’re just paupers in this land
of kings and queens

the loneliness is a crutch
because i love you so much
and i’m not gonna let you go
this time...

i ran the gamut and i thought
i thought i had it, and I fought
The final goal, the never-ending
kind...

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choke

choke off the supply. my air supply is dwindling. i'm starting to fade away; i don't feel real anymore. i tried holding my breath until i died. but i couldn't do it. i passed out and started breathing again. the body just refuses to give up. it seems so funny... oxygen kills me a little more every day, rusting me from the inside out, yet my body won't let me stop taking it in. if ever there was a proof of god (which there isn't), this sick joke would be it.

i don't want to die. ever. i am so scared of that CEASING-TO-BE. i will simply blink out of existence. and it will come suddenly. i won't have the time for all the important moments; telling everyone i love or hate them. or both. i obsessively document it here, there, everywhere... because one day it will be all that is left of me. and eventually the bits and bytes will degrade to dust, and i will be nothing. i will not be.

i will waste no more time on regrets and unrequited emotions. this is me moving on.



oh how i choke
oh how i choke
i choke on my words

i get choked up, my heart it pounds
a sorry state about the art of sounds
but puffed on pride in your own hometown
you lost everything that you found

it’s not that the opposite wasn’t true
it’s not that i didn’t believe in you
it's what you made of yourself, but worse
it’s what you made of me and my trust, first

the place where we used to meet
the lakebed’s all dried up at my feet
and a god’s not gonna bring back the day
before you got up and walked away
now take it away

nah, nah,
you’re not even making sense,
you’re just spinning your wheels
the sounds aren’t even offensive;
they ain’t even real

you just keep spewing garbage,
hate and lies
the saddest part
is how little i’m surprised

as you paint yourself
the victim here
no one’s believing
your crocodile tears

go on, keep trying
get enthused
keep spewing your lies,
it’s keeping me amused...

it’s a shame when I was hurtin’ the most
that you were too busy flirtin’ with ghosts
you were haunting the past, and fading fast
and dreaming of heading out to the coast

and it’s a joke that the pieces don’t even fit
i eat the fruits of my labour, but choke on the pit
remember all the way back to the start?
when we used to share a heart...

now i’m left with a lump in my throat
it’s hard to breathe when i read what you wrote
i held you back, you said in your note
"you held me back"; yes you can quote me, that’s a fucking quote.

oh how i choke
oh how i choke
i choke on my words

it’s a contest 'tween you and i
c’mon look me in the eye
if this moment were to pass you by
you’d regret it before you die

i’m not the one who’s holding you back
but maybe that’s why you’re on the attack
don’t think i’ll take the blame
but i loved you all the same
goodbye...

i choke on my words
goodbye

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an anagram

an anagram. that is all i am. a hollow shell of a man; a thick coat of veneer painted overtop of cheap plyboard, chipping away slowly as the years grind by. i think i used to have a meaning and purpose. i grew up with that sense of value and worth. but it's not here anymore, and i'm not sure when i lost it or where it went. what's left over is a mixed-up version of what i used to be.

i don't feel connected to anybody, and it hurts. i hate myself for it, but i also hate all of you. why do you all look at me with such disdain, as though i have let you down? what do i owe you, anyway? i tried my best. i tried to fit in. my family, my friends, they were false. fakes. i had to leave them behind. start over, start a brand new life, re-invent myself. this is the new and improved me.

i may be alone, i may be an empty husk, but i am strong, i am powerful, and i pity you all, your mores and values. fuck you. you're no better than i.

i have a story to tell you, and it's not a pretty one. it's a story of lust and betrayal, and loss. you say that sounds cliché, but i've got some surprises for you. stick around to watch the story unfold, and you will see. this is just the introduction. you ain't seen nothin' yet.

i'm gonna lay it all out for you. i'm gonna tell you with pictures, with words, and with sounds. you will feel the full onslaught of my genius, and you will know the truth; it will blind you and set you free all at once. you are rolling your eyes, you think i'm grandstanding, you think i'm crazy... but you will see...



i’m trying to reconcile our disconnects
i love you so much i get side effects
no gain comes without a sacrifice
no pain matters when i look in your eyes

the shadows stirring in the depths of your stare
the nape of your neck, a lock of your hair
i’m not really myself when you’re not around
i’m a record player, playing no sound

i am a digital divide
i just came along for the ride
scrambled bits, forgotten crime
left to rust, rotten in the ditch of time

the fact that i can say this to your face
doesn’t remove the bitter taste
of slowly flickering away
the last lingering light of a slow-dying day

there’s not so much more self-control
when i slid on down the rabbit hole
the tides came in as i lay on the shore
and i slipped out to see on the underscore

the notes hung together like sun and moon
the refrain tripped up a beat too soon
if i hadn’t guessed, i wouldn’t have known
that your heart had long since turned to stone

don’t want you to misunderstand
why it is i forced your hand
it hurts me more than you could know
that i’ve got nothing left to show

i’m just an empty husk of a man
a jumbled word, an anagram
if there’s a way that we can weather
then help me put us back together

oh my stars i am in love
with you, it hurts, it hurts so much
the feeling cuts me like a knife
a cliché bryan adams line

you think i wanted it this way
but what i feel i cannot say
i fear i’ll always be the same
afraid to jump into the game

maybe that’s why i never change
even to me it’s a little strange
i’m metaphorically paralyzed
it’s my emotional disguise

so please forgive me all my vice
don’t make me beg you once or twice
i’m trying to do what i can
to be more than an anagram

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